neke16

I always knew at the back of my mind that my Lola’s (maternal side) death would be a big blow to me, if and when it would come. We were close, in a sense that she was the most hands on and caring grandparent I had. I have so many memories of her as a kid, too many to mention to be exact. She was that kind of grandmother... the story book version - the one all kids hope to have.

2 years ago, when she had a stroke, I could barely contain myself. I remember it very well. I was out for a friend's birthday dinner. My sister called and said that they were going to rush her to UE. My ate and I frantically made our way to UE just to be with her and my family. Seeing my Lola, post-stroke really did a number on me. I had no idea what to expect. Contrary to belief, first year medicine student do not know what to expect in the clinics. Seeing all that in my Lola really really made an impression. I was at a loss for what to do.

I stayed by her the entire time she was confined. It was exam week so I had early classes and dismissals. I studied by her bedside and only left early in the am to take a shower and get to school. She was finally discharged and the care for my Lola post stroke began. 

Lola Mommy post stroke was totally different. Plus the fact that she had Alzheimer’s made things sadder at times. Because of the stroke, she had to be bedridden as she could barely move the left side of her body. Bonding with her meant lying beside her in the bed, talking nonsense and or just watching TV. Even with all that nonsense, you could tell she still cared. even if she couldn’t remember who we were, she'd still care for all of us- asking us not to be home so late, or to not go out cause it was too dark already, or to eat our meals regularly. Even if her illnesses did a number on her, she was still the mommy we all knew and loved.

1 year ago, my mother had a hypoglycemic attack which we thought was a second stroke. I remember being the one beside her in the car as we brought her to the ER. She couldn’t even look at me, directly and I couldn’t bear seeing her like that.  I constantly checked her radial pulse and for her chest movements as I was so scared that she was going to literally die in my arms. Thankfully, it was a false alarm… and my family and I were given close to an extra year to be with her.

Fast forward to the past weekend. I was busy with Palarong Med that I was only informed that my Lola was confined due to pneumonia. She had suddenly felt weak and upon examination, my dad heard wheezing. She was rushed to the hospital and we were told to make our way there as soon as we could. That Saturday, I was too tired. Too drained from the entire day that I literally just slept during my hospital visit but I remember promising her that I’d be there the next day.

Sunday night, I arrived and my family and I had dinner by her bedside. I remember joking around with mommy and my tita. She even gave me this why are you so noisy look. I was happy because she looked stable and she didn’t appear to be in any distress. When it was time to leave, I went by her bedside to kiss her for what I did not know would be the last time. I poked fun and told her: Mommy. Pagaling ka ha. Balik ako bukas. May pasok ako. Bisitahin kita.

She didn’t reply but she gave me this mischievous smile that I thought was something like we’ll see. I laughed and kissed her on her forehead and said goodnight. I drove home and fell asleep an hour after we all got back to Paranaque. I was not prepared for the news I heard only 3 hours later.

By some stroke of luck, my dad’s call got through my cell phone (as my room is a dead zone). I didn’t pay attention to it as I thought it was my alarm ringing, telling me to wake up and go to school. For some reason though, I could hear the landline ringing from outside and I found it odd that at this hour Papa hadn’t picked it up yet. I checked my phone and realized it was a phone call. I ran outside and texted my father. He replied: Mommy is dying. Call me.

Those are just some things you’re never prepared to hear. I dialed his number and my father gave me the brief account of what had happened. These are the words I remember from the hazy conversation: Difficulty of breathing. Mommy being toxic since 12mn. She was already intubated and they were just waiting for her to go. Wake up your kuya and Kay, and tell them to prepare themselves. I don’t think Mommy is going to make it na.

I did as I was told and not more than 15 minutes later, Papa called back to confirm that Mommy had passed away. At the age of 82, she was finally at peace. Less than a month shy of her 83^rd birthday. My Lola, my namesake, the only grandparent that I truly loved and cared for had finally died. I know we had expected her to leave us soon enough, but not due to pneumonia and not so soon. I just couldn’t believe the reality of it all, and I cried myself to sleep that early morning.

Mommy, till the very end, you cared for us and until the very end, we’ll always love you. No one can deny that you were our favorite grandparent. You loved all of us equally and unconditionally. Even when you could no longer walk, or remember our names, or speak and move for that matter- you still loved all of us dearly and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. No grandchild could ask for more in a grandmother. We (my cousins and I) were lucky to have experienced having you in our lives.

Memories of Mommy’s home cooked meals (Potchero, Mechado and Sopas to name a few), tricycle ride errands, 6am exercises while tuned into the AM radio, fieldtrips and school events you graced, Christmases, Birthdays and New Years, Loola’s store, phone calls for help with homework in Filipino, Sunday afternoon lunches and many more will forever be engraved in our minds. You were a big part of our lives and of others as well. I will forever cherish every single moment we had.

Mommy, sorry at ang ingay ko nung Sunday ha and for the record I’m not mad you didn’t get better. Just to clear things. Also, I’m glad you’re somewhere better, I hope. I just want you to know we really miss you. Thank you so much Mommy. Thank you for the unconditional love. Thank you for everything.
 
 As the priest in your wake said, Until we meet again Mommy. 

Now, Rest in Peace. 

i've been cheating on lj with tumblr. 
it could not be helped! 
happy stuff and more HERE

just couldnt bear the thought of deleting my LJ. we've been through too much ;) 
will try and update both :D 

 do you have to make yourself so so so DIFFICULT to live with?!

went to my tito's (the husband of my mom's sister) father's burial this afternoon.
we've been attending the wake this past week.

all was good.
stayed with my tita's family (just her, my tito and their 3 kids- 2 younger boys, one 16 and one 10). they were very calm. they stayed with us talking about the randomest things. summer plans and what not. we even told jokes and made fun of each other. the mood was serene, to say the least.

i had guessed that their relatives had come to terms with the loss of their patriarch.

then my youngest cousin who was 10 years old had tears in his eyes.
we handed him a towel to wipe his face...
yet he still kept crying.

ate hugged him and told him things were going to be ok.
apparently, he was the one who had always been at home with tatay samson.

i stood there, watching him... all but 10 years old, mourning the death of his grandfather.
tears started to form in my own eyes.
partly because i felt sad for my cousin and partly because, well i never felt that strong of an attachment to my grandparents who had passed away. i was amazed to see such devotion from a child. 

brought him to the vet today.
its official. my sister and i will be that type of parent: the worry wart.
she couldnt stand watching him cry while he was being IV-ed and i couldnt stand the fact that we were leaving him overnight in a cage no less.

forgive.
he doesnt live in a cage at home.
he was crying/whimpering in the vet. he stood there in the cage, scratching the latch (like he does when hes locked out of a room at home)

:(
GET WELL SOON MOOMOO!
miss you already.
moe withdrawal in the house :(

the more pressing issues shall remain here.
the hard stuff...

i just havent felt like writing, seriously writing just yet.
i have some things in mind dont worry.
i think i have a draft somewhere too.

will update soon ;)
til then, lj!

not a chance.
kapal face moment.

i dont like how things were handled at all.
saying im insulted is an understatement.
whatever.
if youre gonna play it like that, im not going to be understanding.

got it?!

just when you thought you got it right,
you come to realize just how far off you were from your goal.

im disappointed.
no im more than disappointed with myself.
such bad timing and i have noone to blame but myself.

minalas pa ng malupet.
theres nothing left to do but fight til the end.
i just dont know if i can make it to the finish line.

the tears have finally come.
the shock has washed over.

Unsettling news.

Why is it that death always comes as a surprise?
That nothing seems to prepare you for such news, whether the death be impending or all together sudden.
I guess we aren't wired to contemplate on the end... That's why it never fails to catch us off guard. Not to mention, we only begin to realize what was lost after the fact.

Death, no matter how real, will forever be unreal and unfathomable in the minds and lives of the living.

It's just the way things are.
RIP Mishy Joson.

We may not have been close but it should be known that no matter what, you were a part of many people's lives (mine included). You will forever be remembered by friends, families, acquaintances and ofcours, WR 2005.

We know you're in a better place now. Rest in peace.

relationship drama, not mine for the record.
i just got reminded of why im single right now.

relationships are messy.
one wrong move can taint the whole thing for you, both.
and the hurt....
that hurt you feel
that hurt you cause (whether intentionally or unintentionally).

i think messy can even be considered an understatement.
wala lang.
been out of it for a while now... i understand even more why the notion doesnt seem to appeal to me right now.
and go through all of that again?! 

hassle :|

*what is this emo mode. haha oh well. back to studying*